Thursday, December 31, 2015

2015 is almost finished...

2015 will be over in just a few hours and I am not sure how I feel about that.

I don't know if I am to be happy or sad.  I guess I still wish I could go back in time and hug him once more.  I would sit for hours and hold his hand and tell him how much he means to me and how much I appreciated every single thing that he did.  We would make every effort to be the healthiest people ever and make every moment together count.  

2015 started with such hope and excitement.  Hannah's cheer team had just received a bid to nationals in Florida and we were planning the trip to Orlando.  We were halfway through our second year of homeschooling and it was going so well.  Both of our jobs were very productive and we were in such a good place.  As the year went on, cheer competition season kept us busy through May.  In April, while we were in Nashville for cheer, he began to see how much his dad was deteriorating.  His dad had been through so much.  From a massive heart attack, years ago, he ended up with a heart transplant in 2004.  He had a great heart, both physically and spiritually, but other conditions came up causing his health to suffer.  Little did we know that just a month later, we would spend his last days by his bed side.  The family grew close but we lost the patriarch of the family.  I told Mike then that I didn't want to watch him suffer like that.  The genes in the family were strong, I knew.  He didn't either and began to take steps again to get healthier. 

 He made an appointment with the doctor but couldn't get in for over a month.  In the meantime, we celebrated my birthday with evening of fondue and in August we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary.  It was the best time we had together as just the two of us.  Even in the middle of celebrating, I could see that something was weighing on him.  I will always believe it was the dr appointment that would happen at the end of the month.  

Between September and October, he had to wear a heart monitor all the time and he was discouraged but hopeful.  The doctor said it wasn't just a difficult situation but a dangerously difficult re was a blood clot in his heart and it was out of rhythm.  I worried about stroke but not losing him.  I put my big girl pants on and took over mowing grass, taking out trash and other things so he didn't have to do them.  On that dreadful October day when I got the phone call from Hannah while I was at work, I knew that the thing I didn't want to ever happen had just happened.  When the police officer stopped me in my foyer, my world stopped.  2015 stopped.

I have learned about community and family and strength and so much more in the last few months. I feel closer than I ever have to Hannah and I felt we were already close.  We stick together and help each other.  I miss him so very much but I know I never wanted him to suffer and he didn't.  He took a nap but didn't wake up.    I don't know what 2016 will bring and don't know how to begin a new year without him.  It will be the first one since 1994 that I started without him.  He is in my heart and always will be a part of us.

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